"Retail expert, Linda Townsend lives what seems to be a quiet life in the mostly gay outpost of Guerneville, California, hiring herself out as a mercenary "transporter" who moves goods - mostly alcohol and gourmet foods - from one place to another. No questions asked." ~Michelle
-----Original Message-----
From: Michelle
To: Juliette
Cc: Linda
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 4:48 PM
Subject: This week's post
Dearest Hoolietta,
I like your “Sistercation” post so far, but it is clear, my dear sister, that you are not "passionate" about your subject. I think you can build upon what you already wrote, but it needs some increased measure of enthusiasm or hate, or perhaps a little bit of both thrown in for entertainment value.
Personally, I laugh every time I think about trying to write a riff on the book, "Who Pooped In The Park" that was available for purchase in the Red Rocks book store. There I go again, I'm laughing up a storm and I'm all by myself.
I especially loved the line that you blurted out at Red Rocks that if Linda planned to drive a second loop of the park, that she should allow you to get out of the car so that you could lie down on the pavement and Linda could just run right over you. I was briefly awakened from my comfortable slumber in the front seat just long enough to hear you make your disgruntled comments to Linda in your Grandma Elsie voice before I quickly drifted back to sleep, blissfully unaware of any additional unpleasantries, while holding Linda's camera in my lap (some photo assistant I make.)
You were definitely done with nature for the day. But, you never seemed to tire from seeing yet another stunning chandelier sprouting from an ornate ceiling. I still think Linda doesn't understand. She says tomato, you say tomahto, she says wildflower, you say crystal, but oh if we call the whole thing off then we must part, and oh, if we ever part, then that might break our hearts... wonder if Louis Armstrong would approve of the lyric changes? We'll never know.
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| The Wynn |
From: Juliette
To: Linda; Michelle
Sent: Mon, May 16, 2011 5:06 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
Michelle's mail sparked an idea, and I have found my sarcastic and irreverent voice again - remember, you asked for it!-)
My blog post is going to be titled "Who Pooped In The Park? Adventures of the Salvation Sisters in Sin City". Buckle your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Now if I can just find the time to write it out while the idea is fresh in my head...
-----Original Message-----From: Michelle
To: Juliette; Linda
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 5:51 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
I'm totally cracking up, Juliette. Sounds as if the blog will be a real doozy. Yep, we asked for it. So, go on, go for it!
----- Original Message -----
From: Linda
To: Michelle; Juliette
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 6:06 PM
Subject: RE: This week's post
I say if you want to write the whole post, Juliette... I am good with that. Run with your idea (is that a lame pun or what)? Just remember, up until now we have managed to keep a PG rating. :-)
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| The lobby of the Venetian. |
From: Michelle
To: Juliette; Linda
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 6:15 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
How do I spell blogger slacker? L-I-N-D-A.
-----Original Message-----
From: Juliette
To: Linda
Cc: Michelle
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 6:23 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
Yinda, I think it has to be all three of us! I will keep it PG-13.
-----Original Message-----
From: Michelle
To: Juliette; Linda
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 6:25 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
We're like the three muskateers, except, you know, not male... all for one, and one for all.
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| The Venetian |
From: Linda
To: Juliette
Cc: Michelle
Sent: Mon, May 16, 2011 6:29 PM
Subject: RE: This week's post
I was just thinkin' that if you got rolling, no need to censor yourself. If it is funny, you can represent for the Sistercation!
-----Original Message-----
From: Michelle
To: Linda
Cc: Juliette
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 6:45 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
Must I repeat myself? Blogger Slacker.
-----Original Message-----
From: Michelle
To: Juliette; Linda
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 6:51 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
Maddie just said Juliette must have PG-13 confused with NC-17. Maddie's summer visits to Bisbee with her Aunt have left an indelible impression.
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| A gondolier at the Venetian. |
From: Michelle
To: Linda; Juliette
Sent: Monday, May 16, 2011 6:57 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
As we discussed last night, Linda... I like the direction that you took in the e-mail to Kerry (whom I like to refer to as our sister from another mother... and father). You must fit Bar Car into your post somewhere. I'm still stymied what I will do, but I'll be in Las Vegas next week, so it might help get me in the mood. Or perhaps I could find inspiration at the bottom of a stellar Hard Strawberry Lemonade that you introduced Juliette and me to during a happy hour in our fabulous Palazzo hotel room. I just so happen to have the ingredients on hand in my abundantly stocked and literally overflowing pantry. Its like it has taken on a life of its own.
---- Original Message ----
From: Juliette
To: Michelle; Linda
Sent: Mon, May 16, 2011 7:09 PM
Subject: Re: This week's post
What e-mail to Kerry?
---- Original Message ----
From: Michelle
To: Juliette
Cc: Linda
Sent: Mon, May 16, 2011 7:29 PM
Subject: Fw: Re: Hi there...
Appears that you are out of the loop, Juliette. Bummer for you… LOL. I'll send Kerry's e-mail separately because I am sooooo accomodating to your needs.
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| A ménage à trois love story: Linda, wildflowers and a tortoise. |
From: Linda
To: Michelle; Juliette
Sent: Mon, May 16, 2011 11:43 PM
Subject: Who Pooped in Red Rock Canyon Park?
Turns out that this book is very popular and has spawned a series that identifies various scat in national parks. Clearly the general public (and we sisters) never tire of scatological humor.
Who Pooped In Red Rock Canyon Park?
Mountain Lions
Bobcats
Coyotes
Desert Bighorn Sheep
Wild Burros
Jackrabbits
Pack Rats
Desert Tortoises
Northern Flickers
Great Horned Owls
Mojave Green Rattlesnakes
... and tourists. The author failed to mention tourists. Multitudes of tourists - about a million or so every year.
----- Original Message ----
From: Michelle
To: Linda
Cc: Juliette
Date: Tuesday, May 17, 2011, 7:53 PM
Subject: Products We Love: La Tur
I just wrote a glowing recommendation for La Tur cheese. I love that you transported it to Vegas in your Bar Car. I fondly recall scarfing La Tur in the hotel room slathered on La Panzanella Rosemary Crackers and washed down with that incredible Landmark Chardonnay. Come to think of it, Linda, perhaps you can star in "The Transporter 3: Invasion of the Bar Car".
----- Original Message ----
From: Linda
To: Michelle
Cc: Juliette
Sent: Tue, May 17, 2011 8:43 PM
Subject: Re: Products We Love: La Tur
Funny coincidence... I kinda look like Megan Fox, right? Is that the series she is in?
Sandy in the Specialty department and I where just waxing rhapsodic about how much we love La Tur. She had me try brie by Delice this afternoon. OMG... my new favorite brie ever... so creamy with complex flavors. It will certainly be on the cheese tasting menu at Casa Linda.
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| The Fremont Street Experience. |
From: Michelle
To: Linda; Juliette
Sent: Wed, May 18, 2011 9:44 PM
Subject: Re: Products We Love: La Tur
I had no idea why you were dragging Megan Fox into the conversation until I realized that you thought I was referring to the movie "Transformers". I am relieved to figure out that you have not completely lost your mind.
"The Transporter" is an action vehicle (pun intended) for action star Jeremy Statham. So you do not remain any more ignorant than you already are about "important" pop culture icons, this is the storyline pulled from the pages of Yahoo! Movies:
"Ex-Special Forces operator Frank Martin lives what seems to be a quiet life along the French Mediterranean, hiring himself out as a mercenary "transporter" who moves goods - human or otherwise - from one place to another. No questions asked. Carrying out mysterious and sometimes dangerous tasks in his tricked-out BMW, Frank adheres to a strict set of rules, which he never breaks. Rule One: Never change the deal. Rule Two: No names - Frank doesn't want to know whom he's working for, or what he's transporting. Rule Three: never look in the package..."
Linda, your story line would go something like this:
"Retail expert, Linda Townsend lives what seems to be a quiet life in the mostly gay outpost of Guerneville, California, hiring herself out as a mercenary "transporter" who moves goods - mostly alcohol and gourmet foods - from one place to another. No questions asked. Carrying mysterious ingredients and sometimes dangerous tasks in her 4-cylinder slightly-dented definitely-not-tricked-out Honda Civic, Linda adheres to a strict set of rules, which she never breaks. Rule One: Never change the deal. Rule Two: No names - Linda doesn't want to know whom she's working for, or what she's transporting (this knowledge might encourage an eating or drinking rampage with the cargo before its delivered, which would be bad for referrals). Rule Three: Never look in the package (see Rule Two). Rule Four: Always travel with a knife, cutting board, pitcher, citrus juicer, 8-oz glasses, tequila, triple sec, Italian sparkling lemonade and fresh limes for happy hour anytime, anyplace. If you need her help, simply call and say these words loudly and clearly, "Bar Car, por favor".
P.S. Maddie is reading over my shoulder and started riffing on the maddingly overplayed Lady Antebellum song, “Need You Now” with these new lyrics:
"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now, Bar Car.
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control that’s why I need you, Bar Car.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before, Bar Car, por favor."
My daughter is clearly a chip off the old block, including singing off-key just like me. The dogs in the neighborhood will surely start howling. Our own dog just looks confused by our behaviour.
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| We can only hope that dancing on a bar for the ogling general public is paying for her college education. |
From: Juliette
To: Linda; Michelle
Sent: Wed, May 18, 2011 8:41 AM
Subject: Sistercation
Oh thank heaven, I thought I had missed another e-mail. I was thinking, "What the f (cleverly avoiding the NC-17 rating) is Linda talking about?"
Love the transporter e-mail, Michelle! Maybe the Sistercation blog should be written entirely from the perspective of Linda's transporter alter ego because my post is limping along. Too distracted (and sober) to really get into it. I will write about Red Rocks, Neon Museum, and Fremont Street Experience. Check out the attachment for my start.
----- Original Message ----
From: Michelle
To: Juliette
Cc: Linda
Sent: Wed, May 18, 2011 6:45 PM
Subject: Re: Sistercation
I know, I was thinking Linda had gone Looney-ville in Guerney-ville. Sorry I didn't get back to you earlier today. I really like how your post is coming along, Hoolietta! I demonstrated my trademark cackle in places... in particular about the teeth brushing and Linda being annoying (in Alaska, and other places, too). Make your piece as long as you want, just finish it! I know you've got miles of action items on your to-do list.
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| The Fremont Kiss Experience. |
From: Michelle
To: Linda; Juliette
Sent: Tue, May 17, 2011 9:28 PM
Subject: You asked for it, you got it
You'll be happy to know, Linda that our readers can now sign-up for e-mail notifications. After months of hounding me for this feature, you can now officially get off my back. If you were a jockey and I was a horse, my name would be Seabiscuit. At least together we win the race, but unfortunately for me, you’re the one wielding the whip.
I was checking the search terms on the blog this evening and the one that cracked me up is "Salivation Sisters" (maybe 20 years ago during our Witches of Eastwick phase). We'll have to use the Salivation Sisters tagline sometime. Perhaps for a product that we really, really love! Your new brie might be a candidate.
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| Laughingly referred to as our Witches of Eastwick phase... big hair and dark eyeliner. Late 80's? Yep, we'd say that's about right. The sisters gathered on the occasion of Maria's second wedding. |
From: Linda
To: Michelle; Juliette
Sent: Sun, May 22, 2011 9:28 AM
Subject: Fw: Salvation Sisters
Guess what I found in my inbox this morning? My first Salvation Sisters e-mail notification... very nice! You've earned oats and a biscuit for good behavior.
----- Original Message ----
From: Michelle
To: Linda
Cc: Juliette
Sent: Sun, May 22, 2011 9:35:18 AM
Subject: Re: Salvation Sisters
You're the best. In a hurry, must finish packing and leave for Vega$! I might as well move there for goodness' sake. Sin City seems to be my not-so-sweet "home away from home". Why can't my next show be in Chicago? San Francisco? NYC? Los Angeles? Memphis? New Orleans? Denver? Philadelphia? Portland? Seattle? San Diego? Anywhere but Las Vegas (on second thought, not Orlando either), she wines. Oops. Yes, I do wine (and dine), but in this case it is whines. What am I complaining about? Bloom where you're planted, as I like to say. I'll follow my own advice and have fun wherever I happen to find myself this next week. Lots o' love... Fruity flavored Bio-K kisses, Peabody.
P.S. Faster than you can say bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, my fairy godmother just answered my wish. The show at the end of the month is in Boise, Idaho (of all places - that's a first). One of the main events will be an outing on the Thunder Mountain Railroad. Sounds like a photo opportunity in the making. Gotta run. My chariot waits. Jay's driving me to the airport today. It's lovely to have a chauffeur.
P.S.S. Your Bar Car song just came on the radio. I wonder if Lady Antebellum would be willing to do a remix. Maybe Oprah could hook us up. Maddie just sang, "I need some of your imported Whole Foods olives right now, Bar Car". That will replay in my head for the rest of the day providing justification for the saying, "Wherever you go, there you are." Now I REALLY gotta run.
To be continued next week with Part Three by Juliette...
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| Fremont Street Experience. |
Ahh, there we go! Was wondering how long it would be before Part II reared its overly curly and filled with mind candy heads. You three are like the eighth (there ARE only seven, right?) wonder of the world; sisters who have too much fun and never fight. Never? I always get ready for a good giggle or a run to the ingredients cupboard every time I see a new post.
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